This is a letter to Srila Prabhupada, written by Hladini d.d. but never mailed…
Now some time after Mother Hladini left this planet, Vahna, her husband, found this 2 page, hand written letter among other things that he’d kept, like photos , etc.
Vahna has allowed me to copy it and just now Mother Ruparamesvari has typed it up so that it could be sent out.
(reflecting what a great personality she isâ€¦)
Dearest Srila Prabhupada,
I beg You, please accept my most humble obeisances at Your Divine Lotus Feet.
I have; after receiving so much mercy, after being rescued from the empty cold platform of material existence, fallen prey to the overpowering illusion that I can enjoy. It’s as if I’ve forgotten everything, a cloud of insanity-”My turn, Krsna.” It breeds from a platform of comfort. Sudama Brahmin could be comfortable and not wish to dethrone the king.
I can’t stand this consciousness. Srila Prabhupada, I want to be a servant-a good one- unconscious of me. Srila Prabhupada I’ve neglected my medicine haphazardly (obviously) thinking- I needed it no more-”How healthy I am-I can relax”. Now I am raging with fever-Embarassed to come back to the doctor due to my disregard for his selfless help.
Please Srila Prabhupada, help me become a serious disciple. Help me go back to a life of austerity, a life of remembering my service I’ve forgotten due to this impure desire. Please let it be gone.
Every second there is a choice: “Which energy do you want????” Maya is so quick to satisfy, but so quick to burn You are not cheap-but how much it is so worth it? Why am I so foolish-stubborn, stupid. Let me hear what You’re saying. Let me follow cent-per-cent. You’ve given me everything- You are my true father. My true deliverer-my greatest friend.
Dear Srila Prabhupada I am the greatest rascal, I only want to become a pure servant. Please don’t kick me away, but give me another chance. I’ll try so hard to be good.
Oct. 13th is Kartika. The gopis worshiped Durga for Krsna as their husband. They ate rice and moong bearns and prayed everyday for a month. Everything I do is motivated, but Prabhupada let me try to offer this austerity to try and gain control of these raging senses. Dear Prabhupada-all I want is Krsna-Please guide me on the right path-I have no desire on my own. You are my strength, my desire.
The road is there straight & clearly marked-though the detours seem easier and more pleasurable- keep my intelligence firm-Thank You. I have this immense loving propensity; let me repose it at Your divine feet.