Mad Crapper Mystery Solved! Confession Forthcoming!

In a strange twist of fate, one of New Vrindaban’s longest unresolved mysteries, namely the whereabouts and positive identification of the person known as “the mad crapper,” may at last be solved. A recent submission—more specifically a posted comment on this blog site by a former Brijabasi—has led authorities to link the person who posted the comment with the heinous crime itself. “We’re pretty certain we’ve got our man,” noted Tapahpunja Dasa. who was assigned to capture the mad crapper in the spring and summer of 1977. For those of you unfamiliar with the bizarre affair, here’s the scoop (pardon the expression).

By the Spring of 1977, the building of Srila Prabhupada’s Palace of Gold was in full swing. New Vrindaban Community was a beehive of bhakti, especially Bahulaban farm where most of the devotees resided. Not only was New Vrindaban’s population ballooning, but there were also hundreds of Indian and American guests walking the grounds. Unfortunately the number of people didn’t match the number of toilets available. Our showering and bathroom facilities were taxed to the max. Something had to be done until the new Guest House facility was completed. The solution? No problemo!….let’s rent a couple of Port-a-Potties!. The green plastic outhouses were positioned right in the middle of the daily flow of pedestrian traffic— triangulated smack dab between the old white barn, the temple farm house and the newly erected Guest House. All day long you could here the slapping sound of the outhouse door slamming shut as yet another resident or guest sought relief from the calling of nature.

It all seemed to be coming out ok (pardon the expression again), until the devotees assigned to cleaning the outhouses reported a strange phenomenon. Apparently, someone—none other than the mad crapper—was intentionally missing the hole and instead laying their load where you stood to position yourself. Yikes! Not exactly good for public relations, what to speak of the trauma suffered by those innocent souls entering the outhouse in the dark of night. Squish! Oh, my God, it can’t be true! But indeed it was true.

At first we thought it was just accidental. But the mad crapper struck again and again, day after day without mercy. Experts in stool removal were summoned . Emergency board meetings were held. Psychics (Mother Vidya) were consulted. The whole community was buzzing with speculation. Who could do such a thing?

Finally, in one last desperate move, Kirtananada Swami called upon the brahmacari he deemed most likely to catch the mad crapper. That would be me. Maybe he knew that both my rising sign and moon are in Scorpio (Scorpios make good detectives), or maybe he figured that since I have a rather large probiscus (nose) that I could just sort of “sniff out” the culprit. At any rate, he ordered me to hide on the second floor of the Guest House. From that vantage point I was to watch each person who entered and left the crime scene and then bolt down the stairs, fling open the outhouse door and look at the results. Kind of a strange service…

Despite my diligent efforts, the mad crapper escaped detection and was never brought to justice……until now.

In consultation with senior Brijabasis, I now know that the mad crapper is non other than. Gaura Shakti Dasa, famed electrician and smirking prankster in exile. Criminologists remind us that criminals often return to the scene of the crime. By posting a comment on this blog site in which he mentions my brief career as the mad crapper detective, Gaura Shakti has in essence returned to the crime scene, thus incriminating himself thirty years de-facto. Other facts positively indicating his guilt are:

1). Guara Shakti was asked to install light bulbs in the outhouses. He refused.
2). Gaura Shakti was part and parcel of the original Bahulaban stool crew, comprised of Advaita Acharya and myself and thus had intimate knowledge of these affairs.
3). Gaura Shakti was prone to steal maha-prasadam and feel no remorse for his behavior.

We, the residents of New Vrindaban who were terrorized by the mad crapper, await Gaura Shakti’s on-line confession and terms of compensation for damage suffered.

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